Asking For What We Need

photo: Dave Marcus

The other day, a client mentioned some miscommunications with her boyfriend about money. She felt afraid to clearly state what she needed. When she spoke up, he felt overwhelmed, resentful about this unexpected turn. 

It got me thinking about all the things we say (and don’t say) in relationships. How do we create a space to safely express our needs, desires, dreams? How do we find safety within ourselves? 

When we learn to ask for the small things in life, to feel confident, it gets easier to ask for the big ones. When our partner responds with love and kindness, then we begin to feel safer sharing our bigger dreams and desires. 

Example: I’ve  been practicing asking my husband for small things: how I like my coffee; when I like to take evening walks; what time feels best for my body to eat dinner. He responds with an openness; he does his best to honor my needs. .Then it’s easier for me to be direct about the big stuff;  finances, or my dreams for my coaching work.  I want to expand my business. 

The more I express myself, the easier it gets. I have the muscle memory of his responses to lean into, a safety net to fall back on. Most importantly, the more I ask, the more I know I’m building trust back and forth between us. 

Try practicing: What do you want to say that you are obscuring? What do you need?  How can you try – today? Let me know how it goes.